Introspectiveness.... *YAY*
So this is just the disclaimer that this is me thinking aloud.... I'm getting pretty tired of just thinking in my head so I've decided to make some of it public.... Feel free to ignore it

I think the first thing about me is that whatever I do I do intensely. Which can be a really good thing, it means that I love intensely, it means that I put everything that I have into anything I care about, I am a good friend because I am there no matter what, and I think for the most part the fact that I truly care about people and what I do shows.

Doing everything intensely can also be a bad thing... It means that whatever I feel can sometimes feel huge, bigger than me, which is great when there are positive emotions there, but not so great if I am feeling lonely, neglected, sad, upset or frustrated. The thing about being an intense person is that there is no on or off switch to the intensity and so the frustration and anger can bubble over just as much as the enthusiasm for something spreads. It also means that I can take an incredible amount of energy to be around or to work on things with. And it also means that I get easily frustrated when people don't share the same passion for things that I do regardless of what those things might be.

I think in part for me I knit to temper myself and even things out a little. It gives me patience when I am feeling incredibly and intensely impatient, it keeps me occupied when I am bored because I am doing something productive even while I am sitting around with nothing to do, and there are a whole lot of other reasons. It is why when I get too hyper or worked up or whatever people can and do literally tell me to go and knit. It keeps me out of trouble a lot. But, this isn't actually a post about knitting.

I can't stand being bored, possibly because it feels like the depths of my soul are being ripped out in painful ways when people ask me to stop and do nothing and just relax. And the truth of it is that for me relaxing is more in terms of the volume of what I do, and not the intensity. Tonight I took a "quiet" night for me. I've been finding that I need to do that a lot lately, but tonight especially given the insanity that was work today. But even still in that quietness, I didn't actually spend any time doing nothing. I spent over an hour on the phone with a friend of mine who I've not talked to in a couple of weeks, I continued spinning the merino silk I bought on Saturday, that I am going to learn how to navajo ply on so I can decide whether I want to 2 ply or navajo ply the other fibre I'm spinning at the moment, I knit, and I thought about things that were on my mind. Tried to put together a cover letter for a job that is due in a couple of days (You would think that it wouldn't be that hard for me given my work this summer, but this is actually a really specific cover letter for me so it is a bit of a challenge) checked on all kinds of stuff for school, and just generally, did things, I didn't stop for a minute. And for me this is actually a quiet evening.

Yes sometimes I do actually stop. Take the moment to just enjoy the company of someone else, if they are the right person, but I also find the more that is going on in my life the less likely I am to stop. The more that is going on, the more I need to keep going, keep doing things, because if I stop the world will end. The plans that I'm making at the moment for the future, are insane.... Not in terms of feasibility because I think that is somewhat realistic, just in terms of scale.... It's fucking huge and insane.... But yet I have boundless energy and enthusiasm for it because that is who I am and what I do.

I'm thinking about going away for a weekend, go camping just me. (If in the mess that is the next few weeks before school starts I can find the time) thinking about doing an outward-bound type weekend.... Not so much in terms of the hike alone 5 k into the woods with nothing but a tent, minimal food, some matches and a journal, but not too far off from that either..... To just be me and to force myself to stop. Because I don't stop so good, and usually when stopping happens it can get ugly. No one who is reading this now knew me the last time I put off stopping like this. However, the blog here was started out of that aftermath. Which, I'd sort of like to avoid if possible.

I don't know... I think for me I just find things weird... I've been thinking a lot about living in the moment, and thinking a lot about how I interact with people on a day to day level and taking the time to think about what I do and why, and how, and what I like and what I don't like, but stopping to actually make the changes that I want to see is hard.

I've also been thinking a lot about how I feel about the world, about the program I am in, about all kinds of things, about things I wish I had time to do, and things that are important enough for me to make sure that I have the time to do them. I want to create things. Create things that are mine. Knitting is wonderful, but right now I want more ownership of something than that. Spinning is cool because you can take more credit, but I actually want something less niche..... I've been listening to the back episodes of Lime and Violet, and I'm almost caught up, and they keep talking about art journalling. I think that is a really cool idea. I just wish that I could draw worth anything.

I don't know.... I'm just thinking a lot about a lot of things right now. It's why to pretty much anyone who isn't Bexy ( ;-) ) I've been pretty quiet lately... I've been looking at sort of where a lot of people have been, and how that has evolved to where they are now, and how I can pull little bits and pieces of that into me. Looking at how to be able to use all of this intensity inside of me to do something that is worth doing, something that I love, and can love, an wake up every day wanting to do. And then actually use that to make change.

I don 't know.... I know that because of what I feel, who I am, what I do and how I choose to act, I can change things. I' ve said that again and again and know that recognizing that isn't the problem. It is what and how and why and being able to stand up there and just do it. Not that the guts thing has ever been my problem

*shrugs*
I don't know....
Just things I've been thinking about....
Take what you like, ignore the rest.
I'm sure there will be more like this soon...
I don't see the thoughts stopping lol
No one can say I have an underactive brain